Im unhappily married for five years with three children. I also find myself in love with my first love and he has professed the same to me. I want to leave my husband (we’ve tried therapy, trips together, separation, more therapy) and things remain the same. My issue is our children. I know a divorce would…
I left my marriage of 9 years with my 2 children because I found my soul mate (again–after 16 years separation), who was also married for 12 years and had 2 children. Our families were best friends for 2 years before we admitted and acted on our feelings for one another. THAT SAID, let me move on to the following:
Starting with your children. Rest assured you are causing MORE emotional damage by staying in an unhappy marriage and modeling THAT behavior for them than by divorcing and following your heart. They are very resilient and don’t understand the concepts of adult relationships yet.
Your husband can fight you on whatever, but you CAN divorce, whether he wants you to or not. Regarding the children, would he be able to prove you to be an unfit mother? If there is no reason to take them away, a court would grant them (at most I would think) 50% custody, which may do you some good if you are pursuing another relationship. It will give you time to build a strong foundation together.
You do need to realize the consequences IF it doesn’t work out with your ex (after all he is an ex for a reason). Your marriage is over, and you will be forced to make it on your own. Not a bad thing, just something to consider.
The first thing I see here is the fact that you never really gave your marriage a chance. If you and your first true love have again, recently professed the same feelings of love for each other, then you have already stepped over the line by allowing him into your life, and to get that close. By keeping him out, remaining true to your marriage, that would have never happened. You would have realized these feelings were still there, and eradicated this variable from your life at an earlier stage, and put the focus and the energy back into your marriage. But you didn’t. This didn’t “just happen.” You cultivated the relationship, and now you are at decision time. You understand the risks of hurting and losing your children and know you will hurt your husband.
I believe love is a habitual trait, that can be taught and learned to one’s self. That being said, your decision is; 1-eradicate the former lover and focus on your marriage, to build it to a loving relationship. I don’t think it is a journey ‘back,’ because I will submit you have never really had a loving relationship with your husband. 2-Leave your husband and be with the one true love, and be prepared to risk hurting your husband and children, as well as the possibility of losing the children.
All that said, I think your marriage can be saved, but you have to make the honest decision and effort to do it. Good luck.
The past and the chance to reunite with an old love may seem very romantic. Make sure this man is everything you remember him to be.
I do not advocate anyone to stay in a marriage “because of the children”. Most of the time it seems to do more harm than good.
If you and your husband cannot resolve your issues and remain married, then you owe it to yourself to get out of the marriage. However, I would not jump into another relationship so quickly. Give it some time.
Before you decide to divorce your husband, honestly ask yourself if all your unhappiness would still be if your ex love was not in the picture? Also, think about all the reasons you and your ex love broke up. If after doing this you still decide on a divorce then you need to speak to a divorce attorney as far as your rights where the children are concerned. You might find yourself paying a high price to be with your past love, but if life is really unbearable with your husband then of course you need to do all you can to make it right for yourself and your children. Be careful on what you decide and know that I do wish you happiness on whatever path you decide to take. Best of luck to you!
You must of been talking to him and having a physical affair. If not then surely it is an emotional one. You should of never put yourself in that predicament. The reason why is you probably didn’t see any problems in your marriage but now that your old flame came back I bet you see all of them now. IF your husband isn’t abusive in any way shape or form nor he hasn’t being unfaithful then I suggest you try work on your marriage and this is why:
Just say you got married to your old flame. He probably will get very irritated at your children because they are from your ex husband. Being in a blended family isn’t all what it is cracked up to be. It surely isn’t the Brady bunch. It takes tons of work and believe me you will see. You need to understand why your ex is your ex and ask yourself is it really worth going back to him. You promised to be faithful to your husband and you haven’t been. If the marriage is totally gone and you really want a divorce because you are unhappy in the marriage then get a divorce however you shouldn’t just run into the arms of your ex. You should get out and try to live your life alone with just you and your children. You need to be self supporting just in case something happens. Nothing feels better then knowing that you can be independent and run things on your own without being stuck being dependent on a husband who doesn’t give a care.
in 10years where will you be.
where would you hope to be?
sometimes i think things arent meant to be., and your marriage is kinda showing signs of this.
maybe you got married so you could have 3wonderful kids and learn that love is something free and important to you.
but . now you realise that its your heart you must follow .
my parents ae still married for “us kids”, and now they are both dependant on eachother coz i know they could never divorce now ..since they are too scared.. it’s kinda too late.
i don’t know if it was worth it- because there was so much fighting between them, but at the same time it was good for us. i wont be torn, i just live with wht i got and am positive.
maybe give it a deadline. like three months before you really decide to make a decision. that way you don’t just jump on the bandwagon of the grass is greener theory, and instead spent this tme to really assess who you are and wht the reality of moving on will mean and how this guy will really suit you.
all the best
Since you have professed your love to one another, I can only assume you’ve been seeing one another. You’re being selfish and you would like for any stranger to give you the go ahead to harm your family and all that it could be, if not for the presence of your ” one true love “. Grow up and look at what you are doing, for what it really is. Let your conscience be your guide. If you have a conscience.
Well I am in a bad marriage myself. My wife is cruel and downright cold at times. We haven’t made love in years. I have a friend in Hong Kong who is my true soul mate, but the distance keeps us apart. Also neither can leave our jobs and I am in college. My wife is Chinese and comes from Yangshou. I suspect that she just used me to get her citizenship and then she wants a divorce. Her favorite name for me is S.O.B. You get the picture. A bad marriage sucks, but truth be told divorce is worse. My personal experience with marriage is that I will never have a second one. If I can ever work out the details I will leave the one I am in. If you have a chance, don’t let it pass you by. Life is too short to waste in pain.
Have you ever heard the saying “Be careful what you wish for,you just might get it?” Think about that. There have been some very good answers on here and I hope you take them under advisement before you ditch your husband and go chasing ghosts from the past.
That’s a tough one, weigh the pro’s and con’s. Would you’re children be happy growing up in a household where their mother/father don’t have a happy healthy marriage. Sounds like you’ve tried. Would the other man be good to your children?