Please don’t tell me my essay’s terrible. I already know that. I need constructive criticism. Do you think I strike the right tone? Is my grammar flawed? One last thing… please don’t respond if you’re less capable of writing an essay than I am.
Teenagers in our society are perpetually embarrassed by…
As far as grammar goes, it is OK. Your sentence structure and flow are all good. There is a good rhythm and mix of short and longer sentences.
Now the bad: I know a heck of a lot about your parents, but I know nothing about you except that you strive to be successful like them. Say more about that–more about how you will achieve that. It is a personal statement after all.